At what point to you stop being nice to people and just say fuck it? At what point do you stop making so much effort to maintain a fragile peace with someone only to have it thrown in your face. Only to have them say some flippant remark or veiled attack on you? At what point do you realize that there will never be one iota of kindness from them, never. Because they've made up their mind about you. They've decided you're the enemy.
Because apparently I'm stubborn in still having hope.
- Current Mood: frustrated
So what do I do now?
- Current Mood: crushed
What the fuck have I done to you at this point? I thought we were all peachy, and patched up but you are just leaving saying this comments. Oh yea, there's no damn way you're just being sarcastic at this point, you've not said a single nice thing to me but jump at the chance to criticize me.
I wish I could tell you this, but I'd rather start not start drama. ...would it kill you to be nice to me just once in a while? I'm not going anywhere so you might as well not make the best of our mutual existence
- Current Mood: frustrated
I've had a longstanding Honesty Box on Facebook. The question was "What Bothers you about me?" I asked it because I genuinely wanted to know, so I can't get mad at this person for being honest, and sometimes its something that I need to hear that I don't want to. But sometimes I feel like the delivery is harsh or made out of a superficial impression of me. The post was:
"Blame everything on other people. Its always someone elses fault. Always seeking attention in anyway possible. "
I can see how this person would think this if all they do is read my Facebook updates. When I'm mad at people I'll post a status update, I try to avoid directly naming people in these updates. And I do post a lot of modeling photos.
But I also don't think that the statement this person made is true. Sure I don't want to be blamed things, no one does. But When something is my fault, its my fault, I'm not so egotistical as to say that I'm blameless. In fact whenever I see to be in a fight with someone I always seem to be the one groveling and apologizing first even if I'm the one who shouldn't.
The second part of the that statement felt like it was meant to hurt. It was tacked on simply to inflict pain. I don't know what they're referencing exactly. If it's facebook, my profile doesn't have hoards of pictures I took of myself, I don't have that many "look at me!" posts that I can see. The only thing I can think of is my modeling portfolio, but really? I'm damn proud of those, and I've had a lot of people tell me they've liked seeing them so I don't think it's egotistical of me to post them. But still I'm interested to know what they mean by this, because I don't really find myself wanting attention all the time.
I think the reason why this upset me so much is not that they said it but the fact it made me doubt myself, it made me self-conscious, it made me lose a little confidence and I think I am mad at myself for letting something so small as a comment affect me.
- Current Mood: sad
1. You're not the only one that's been hurt.
3. No matter what, you will never get all of yourself back.
4. Never let someone become your whole life.
So it seems that this turned into less of a truths and more of "how not to completely fuck shit up " guide. Cynical? Yes. Bitter? Probably. Honest? Fuck yes. Do I care? Meh.
- Current Mood: thoughtful
Half of me wants to say fuck it, and just bitch at this person. But then again, that's not what grown-ups do. And despite the remarks about my looks, my intelligence or the implications that I'm a whore, I still want to right whatever it was I did to wrong this person. I must be insane.
The worst part is, whenever I think things are getting better, when this person seems to be civil towards me, even friendly, it stops with one snide comment. I know I'm probably reading into these comments too much, I mean it is the internet, they could be directed at anyone, but for some idiot reason I always feel like they're a shot at me.
I know I need a thicker skin in this case, but this person has never said one nice thing about me, not one, just these comments so its hard to think they're anything but malicious. I know some people will never like you and that's just the way things are, but If I have to deal with this person on a regular basis then I'd like to at least have a civil relationship. Is that so much to fucking ask for?
- Current Mood: disappointed
And If I actually did do something that caused you to post these comments then jesus, tell me instead of acting like this. People don't think it's funny, it just makes you look like a bitch.
I would love nothing more than to make friends with you, because you seem like a pretty awesome person that I could learn things from but you've made it beyond clear what your thoughts are regarding me.
So instead I'm going to reference what I was told in PRE-SCHOOL:
If you have nothing nice to say, be quiet.
Also because apparently you need a refresher on this, here's the note from last summer:
Remember, we already talked about this.
I keep hearing "do what makes you happy" from the people who give a shit about me and "well a bachelor's program will get you somewhere in life" from the rest. I'm sorry but I hate college. I hate being here, I hate the teachers....and all this is making me loathe the thing I love most. I was looking at MCTC today, where I really wanted to go and I realized it wouldn't be worth it...I've practically finished the program aside from a few classes. Even then...it's just a certificate that says I can do some stuff. I have 2.5-3 years of a Bachelor's...2 more left to go...might as well finish it right? Even if I hate it? I really just want to quit...I'm not happy...I'm starting to think I would be better off emotionally working at a bar somewhere for a while...I'd be alot happier than I am here.
So I guess what my real problem is ...is that I'm lonely.... I'm lonely for the people that I understand, for the people I don't have to pretend to, for the people who won't judge or care. I'm lonely for the lights, the clubs, the malls, the good food, the energy and the sophistication of the city. I'm lonely for someone who will be able to handle my freaking out, crying mess of a person.
I'm lonely for feeling like I have a home.
I don't know what to do anymore...I just want some idea of what to do...
- Current Mood: depressed
So my mother freaked out when I told her that I wanted to transfer to MCTC and get an associates. She said it wasn't a real degree that all it would get me was a department store job. Awesome right??!? Not really. So here are my mother's suggestions:
1. Stay at Stout and tough it out: She stayed at St. Cloud and did that and she hated it and that's life and so that's what I should do because I'm just whining and life is hard.....no shit. I'M FUCKING MISERABLE THERE.
2. Transfer to another 4 year program at another school: Gee like I haven't thought about that. Hmm I did the research, the only other Schools that Offer my program? MCAD, St. Kate's and The U of M. All of which cost at least twice as much as what she's paying now for my school. Also, looked at the programs at St. Kate's and The U, talked to people...did actual research before even bringing this up. What have I found? The programs are a joke! St. Kate's program outlines only 10 major-related classes for all four years... how many will I have taken at Stout at the end of this semester? 9! And that's only my second year in the Program. On top of that They require an art minor...which luckily for me I've already completed half of! So yes if I decide to go that route I'll already be done with almost the entire fucking thing...unless my credits don't transfer...then I'd be screwed.
3. Quit...quit college all together: Because three years of a four year degree is alot better than trying to turn it into an Associates...because that would be showing an employer that you just gave up.
4. Take a year off: Which potentially would be good since I hate school but I worry that I just won't go back. I just want to be done with school...not prolong it.
So yea... I'm in love with my life right now...*face desk*