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At What Point is it enough?

At what point to you stop being nice to people and just say fuck it? At what point do you stop making so much effort to maintain a fragile peace with someone only to have it thrown in your face. Only to have them say some flippant remark or veiled attack on you? At what point do you realize that there will never be one iota of kindness from them, never. Because they've made up their mind about you. They've decided you're the enemy.

Because apparently I'm stubborn in still having hope.

Apr. 20th, 2011

There's nothing more heartbreaking than realizing that you have no talents, skills or qualifications for the job you hoped for.   Even worse is realizing that you have no skills or talents at all.

So what do I do now?

Still trying to be the bigger person....

I've tried so hard to be nice to you, gone out of my way to be a pleasant  human being to you, walked on eggshells around you so you wouldn't have any reason to dislike or loathe me. And yet, you somehow have found one because you still are sour towards me, chilly.

What the fuck have I done to you at this point? I thought we were all peachy, and patched up but you are just leaving saying this comments. Oh yea, there's no damn way you're just being sarcastic at this point, you've not said a single nice thing to me but jump at the chance to criticize me.

I wish I could tell you this, but I'd rather start not start drama. ...would it kill you to be nice to me just once in a while? I'm not going anywhere so you might as well not make the best of our mutual existence
So I've put some thought to it and I feel like the best way to express this is to write it, not post it in a hurt-fueled status update on facebook attacking the person who said it first, I did after all pose the question.

I've had a longstanding Honesty Box on Facebook. The question was "What Bothers you about me?" I asked it because I genuinely wanted to know, so I can't get mad at this person for being honest, and sometimes its something that I need to hear that I don't want to. But sometimes I feel like the delivery is harsh or made out of a superficial impression of me. The post was:

"Blame everything on other people. Its always someone elses fault. Always seeking attention in anyway possible. "

I can see how this person would think this if all they do is read my Facebook updates. When I'm mad at people I'll post a status update, I try to avoid directly naming people in these updates. And I do post a lot of modeling photos.

But I also don't think that the statement this person made is true. Sure I don't want to be blamed things, no one does. But When something is my fault, its my fault, I'm not so egotistical as to say that I'm blameless. In fact whenever I see to be in a fight with someone I always seem to be the one groveling and apologizing first even if I'm the one who shouldn't.

The second part of the that statement felt like it was meant to hurt. It was tacked on simply to inflict pain. I don't know what they're referencing exactly. If it's facebook, my profile doesn't have hoards of  pictures I took of myself, I don't have that many "look at me!" posts that I can see.  The only thing I can think of is my modeling portfolio, but really? I'm damn proud of those, and I've had a lot of people tell me they've liked seeing them so I don't think it's egotistical of me to post them.  But still I'm interested to know what they mean by this, because I don't really find myself wanting attention all the time.

I think the reason why this upset me so much is not that they said it but the fact it made me doubt myself, it made me self-conscious, it made me lose a little confidence and I think I am mad at myself for letting something so small as a comment affect me.

So apparently I've been writing alot, first on anger now on a different topic. Truths about love, relationships and that tricky quasi-romance thing, truths to me anyways. You don't have to like them, or even agree with him, hell, you don't have to read them but I need to write them.

1. You're not the only one that's been hurt.
No matter what, everyone starts out every relationship guarded, we don't want to be, but we're still healing from a past relationship. The thing you need to remember is so has the other person, they've probably been cheated on, lied to, let down, abused or generally fucked over by their past relationships. The trick is not to act like the victim when you're in the beginning of a relationship. Act like you've never been hurt. It's hard, and I'm not saying let all the walls down but if you keep them up and never give a little than eventually that person is just gonna give up on you, and you're right back to square one.  You're not the only one who's been hurt, stop acting like it and get over yourself.

2. Everyone, no matter what they say, wants to be chased.
There is, of course, subtext to this, if someone says their not interested. Leave them alone, if you don't, you're a stalker, stalkers are bad. What I mean by number two is that, everyone wants to have someone prove to them that they care. Guys, Its why girls fish for compliments, and never admit things first, because they want you to prove to them that you actually give a shit and are not some beer-guzzling, ball-scratching neanderthal that just wants to get laid. Shocking right? Girls, seriously, don't fish for compliments, it makes you look desperate. Remember that thing we talked about in number one? When people are new to a relationship, they are trying to decide if you're going to hurt them all over again or if you care about them enough to prove that you won't. If they are going to invest the time and emotional energy to let some of those guards down, prove to them that you're worth it. That means: be reliable, be nice, be giving, be loyal and don't be a dumbass.


3. No matter what, you will never get all of yourself back.
I've realized that no matter how long, or short, how serious or not a relationship ends up being, you never will get all of yourself back. You invested time, hope and even let down your guard a little maybe in this person, and you don't get that back. The upside is that they've done the same. So after things have ended, you can't get back what has been taken or given, but you can mend the pieces you do have and move on.

4. Never let someone become your whole life.
I feel like this is obvious, but for some people, its not. I don't care what you say, but if you really truly love someone, they are not your whole life. You are your own person, you were your own person before them, and you will continue to be your own person after them. It may feel like you can't live without them but you are not a Siamese twin, and you can survive without your "other half". I've seen this happen to alot of couples, people get involved and they loose sight of who they are, and trust me, I've been in that position and I've seen friends in that position. It doesn't make you cute, it makes you fucking annoying and a shitty friend because we became friends with you for a reason, and if you suddenly seem to forget your entire personality when you start dating someone else, then you're not our friend...you're some weird leech-thing. Anyway, maintain yourself while in a relationship, spend time apart, go see your friends, remind yourself of who you were and still are before them.


So it seems that this turned into less of a truths and more of "how not to completely fuck shit up " guide. Cynical? Yes. Bitter? Probably. Honest? Fuck yes. Do I care? Meh.

Being the Bigger Person

For a long time this has bothered me. Really bothered me. If being the bigger person gets you ahead then why haven't I seen any improvement? Right, I know, I can't control everyone but it's exhausting being so nice to someone who treats you like an enemy, who's always defensive against you, always competitive, when you're not trying to compete.

Half of me wants to say fuck it, and just bitch at this person. But then again, that's not what grown-ups do. And despite the remarks about my looks, my intelligence or the implications that I'm a whore, I still want to right whatever it was I did to wrong this person. I must be insane.

The worst part is, whenever I think things are getting better, when this person seems to be civil towards me, even friendly, it stops with one snide comment. I know I'm probably reading into these comments too much, I mean it is the internet, they could be directed at anyone, but for some idiot reason I always feel like they're a shot at me.

I know I need a thicker skin in this case, but this person has never said one nice thing about me, not one, just these comments so its hard to think they're anything but malicious. I know some people will never like you and that's just the way things are, but If I have to deal with this person on a regular basis then I'd like to at least have a civil relationship. Is that so much to fucking ask for?

I'm not amused.

Ok So what gives someone the right to post bitchy, offensive comments on people's facebook pages and photos? Seriously. I did nothing to you, why the hell are you being so passive-aggressive and rude towards me? It's childish and you have no grounds, I don't know why you feel so threatened by me but I harbor no ill-will towards you.

And If I actually did do something that caused you to post these comments then jesus, tell me instead of acting like this. People don't think it's funny, it just makes you look like a bitch.

I would love nothing more than to make friends with you, because you seem like a pretty awesome person that I could learn things from but you've made it beyond clear what your thoughts are regarding me.

So instead I'm going to reference what I was told in PRE-SCHOOL:

If you have nothing nice to say, be quiet.

Also because apparently you need a refresher on this, here's the note from last summer:

Remember, we already talked about this.

Jan. 27th, 2010

I feel like giving up.  I just feel worthless and hopeless at this point in my life.  I'm at that point where I just don't care which is an awful place to be when you're in college in a major like mine. College...that's another thing that's really just bumming me out. I mean, this is where you are supposed to find yourself, and figure out what you are supposed to do with your life right? Well I've only found more questions and uncertainty. I'm not happy here at Stout, I'm miserable and the only thing that's really keeping me quasi-sane is the people I'm familiar with. I don't have any really strong ties to this place, I find myself unable to be perfectly candid, always censoring myself or restricting how I am in one way or another. Which I know I shouldn't have to do but let's face it...this is small town Menomonie with small town people, it's not like back home in the cities. I just want to come home to the cities. That's were home is, not the house that I grew up in but with the people that I can be myself around...where I don't have to say the right things all the time, and I don't feel bad for being the wierd kid.

I keep hearing "do what makes you happy" from the people who give a shit about me and "well a bachelor's program will get you somewhere in life" from the rest. I'm sorry but I hate college. I hate being here, I hate the teachers....and all this is making me loathe the thing I love most. I was looking at MCTC today, where I really wanted to go and I realized it wouldn't be worth it...I've practically finished the program aside from a few classes. Even then...it's just a certificate that says I can do some stuff. I have 2.5-3 years of a Bachelor's...2 more left to go...might as well finish it right? Even if I hate it? I really just want to quit...I'm not happy...I'm starting to think I would be better off emotionally working at a bar somewhere for a while...I'd be alot happier than I am here.

So I guess what my real problem is ...is that I'm lonely.... I'm lonely for the people that I understand, for the people I don't have to pretend to, for the people who won't judge or care. I'm lonely for the lights, the clubs, the malls, the good food, the energy and the sophistication of the city. I'm lonely for someone who will be able to handle my freaking out, crying mess of a person.

I'm lonely for feeling like I have a home.
I don't know what to do anymore...I just want some idea of what to do...

My college plan according to my Mother

I'm not really looking for pity on this I just need to rant.

So my mother freaked out when I told her that I wanted to transfer to MCTC and get an associates. She said it wasn't a real degree that all it would get me was a department store job. Awesome right??!? Not really. So here are my mother's suggestions:

1. Stay at Stout and tough it out: She stayed at St. Cloud and did that and she hated it and that's life and so that's what I should do because I'm just whining and life is hard.....no shit. I'M FUCKING MISERABLE THERE.

2. Transfer to another 4 year program at another school: Gee like I haven't thought about that. Hmm I did the research, the only other Schools that Offer my program? MCAD, St. Kate's and The U of M. All of which cost at least twice as much as what she's paying now for my school. Also, looked at the programs at St. Kate's and The U, talked to people...did actual research before even bringing this up. What have I found? The programs are a joke! St. Kate's program outlines only 10 major-related classes for all four years... how many will I have taken at Stout at the end of this semester? 9! And that's only my second year in the Program. On top of that They require an art minor...which luckily for me I've already completed half of!  So yes if I decide to go that route I'll already be done with almost the entire fucking thing...unless my credits don't transfer...then I'd be screwed.

3. Quit...quit college all together: Because three years of a four year degree is alot better than trying to turn it into an Associates...because that would be showing an employer that you just gave up.

4. Take a year off: Which potentially would be good since I hate school but I worry that I just won't go back. I just want to be done with school...not prolong it.

So yea... I'm in love with my life right now...*face desk*


Merry X-mas!